5 Great Ways to go Insane While Self-Isolating

With the Coronas doing the rounds, some of us may need to self-isolate in our homes which – as Stephen King’s The Shining neatly illustrated – is a great time to go completely and spectacularly round the twist!

As self-isolating can be a bit of a bore, we thought we’d list 5 popular psychological conditions you might like to try on for size to relieve the tedium.

Commander Peter Krill going bananas yesterday

5 Psychosomania

The Selections variety box of insanity, psychosomania covers an array of interesting craziness. You might want to give psychosomatic blindness a go, for example. This could be useful if you fancy going for a little walkabout but you’re worried the national guard will shoot you.

Nobody shoots a blind person in good conscience. Granted, there are a few bad apples in the army who would probably mash your head to a pulp with the butt of their rifle just for lolz, but most army types are good sorts and will click on the safety as soon as they see you waving your cane around.

For added authenticity borrow someone’s dog (or use your own if you have one handy!) Use a chunky marker and write ‘seeing-eye dog’ on the side of the canine’s body so the army don’t think you’re just flouting curfew rules, line you up against a wall and blow your brains out.

Alternatively, you could start small by inexplicably losing the use of a limb or limbs. Maybe one of your arms has suddenly developed a life of its own, waving around and randomly punching things. Or maybe your foot has gone the way of the fairies forcing you to walk with a noticeable limp.

Displaying your limb incoordination in a window is a great way to get attention, so if you’re an incorrigible narcissist missing the daily praise of your peers, a peg leg or errant arm will ensure random strangers notice you as they walk past your house.


4 Sexual Fetish

Another smorgasbord of potential madness but one which requires you are not actually suffering from the Coronas (in that case you should keep all sexual gratification strictly solo!)

You might try exhibitionism, nymphomania, satyriasis or teraphilia. Maybe you want to go full Lady Gaga and dip your toe in a bit of necrophilia, or perhaps you’re the shy type, in which case some erotic self-asphyxiation might be for you.

Keep in mind that, even though we’re in a crisis situation, consent is key. If you’re forced to go solo, always make sure you give yourself full permission to ‘get jiggy’.


3 Compulsive Rituals

Obviously, compulsively washing your hands is a good thing in this crisis, but there are plenty of other irrational rituals your sprained mind can turn to in this time of international turmoil.

Why not try:

  • Walking around in a circle for hours
  • Constantly check to make sure your gun is loaded
  • Obsessively check Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for social media affirmation
  • Organise and re-organise your toilet roll collection into different geometric shapes

2 Brief Reactive Psychosis

Tried all the other suggestions already and think you’ve levelled up enough to join the big boy’s team? Why not give take brief reactive psychosis for a spin around the block?

With this temporary form of full psychosis, you can expect to experience incoherence, delusions, aberrant behaviour and/or hallucinations. When the fuss has died down and it’s time to go back to work you can simply return to normal and rejoin the human race as if nothing happened!

Contrary to popular belief, Insane Clown Posse are not actually insane

If you’re in self isolation and have hours to kill, there’s nothing more satisfying than whiling away the days watching the spider king and his horde of ironclad arachnid demons running rampant around your living room. Will they defeat the unicorn-riding seahorses from dimension Z, or will Sheol, the zombie queen of Hell join forces with the spider king and succeed in her quest to conquer the coffee table?

Let us know in the comments.


1 Cannibalism

Once all the food runs out at Sainsburys this one might be compulsory anyway, but for the true hardcore hobbyist who wants to dip their toe into something truly demented, eating one’s fellow human being is right up there, which is why this one sits victorious at the number one spot.

Sir Anthony Hopkins in Remains of the Day

Try eating a neighbour’s liver with a nice Chianti and some fava beans, or boiling the flesh off the postman’s skull to brew up a nice stew. You’ll find there are lots of recipes available on the internet (the BBC good-food guide is a great source of inspiration and has an entire section devoted to cooking human flesh).

Always be sure to eat only those people who you know are not infected with the Coronas, otherwise your period of self-isolation will be in vain.

Always get consent from someone before you attempt to eat them. And remember, seasoning is your friend!

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