U2's Bono Writes Coronavirus Ballad, Inadvertently Highlights Need for U2's Bono to Permanently Fuck Off

U2’s Bono, famed for single handedly producing such hits as U2’s All That You Can’t Leave Behind and U2’s How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb has seized on another opportunity to thrust his grizzled face into the limelight.

This time he is using the global Coronavirus pandemic, capitalising on the misery of millions by writing a song ‘inspired’ by the virus, thus increasing the misery of those millions by a factor of ten.

Bono claiming he invented Christmas during an impromptu street rant last year

“I saw an opening and went for it,” Bono told the NME as he announced his new song, entitled simply ‘Bono’, will be unleashed before the summer.

“people have been starved of Bono’s presence for too long. They need a bit of Bono in their lives right now and this Bono is just the Bono to Bono up their world.”

Referring to himself in the third person throughout the interview, Bono likened himself to Shakespeare, going on to say,

“Billy Shakespeare wrote King Lear when he was quarantined during the plague. Bono is going to follow the bard’s example and step up to the plate to produce his own Opus Grande. It will be deeper than King Lear though and will draw much needed attention to the environment, the rain forests and Bono.”

The rest of U2 were unavailable for comment but insiders have indicated that even band members are weary of their lead singer’s ego, with bass guitarist Adam Clayton heard to say that ‘I think it’s time Bono permanently fucked off.’


The iconic singer, who is rarely seen without his tinted Raybans, cowboy hat and tight leather trousers, despite being nearly 98 years of age has previously attempted to return to the public eye by jumping on a number of hot band wagons, including climate change, the Special Olympics and war. Friends say that he has become so used to clambering onto whatever new social justice swingboat he can think of that he now carries an actual soap box everywhere he goes.


Fellow self-centred, outspoken pension-collecting narcissist, Sting, reacted to Bono’s announcement by saying he is working on a Coronavirus song of his own which he has simply named ‘Sting’.

The Former Police frontman told a prominent British newspaper, “Sting will not be outdone by that self-congratulating twat Bono. He lost out on the rainforest gig and Bono even beat him to it when he spoke out against dams. But Sting won’t be pipped to the post on the Coronas.”

Sting giving a talk about how great he is at the old folks home where he lives

The U2 frontman’s insistence on refusing to just do one and let everyone get on with their lives has led to calls from other musicians for official restrictions on shameless self publicising by ageing rock stars.

Ed Sheeran, who tested the water by saving street children in Africa but then decided staying at home and eating all the pies was more fun, said yesterday, “if it were up to me the Rolling Stones, Simple Minds, Mick Hucknall and that bloke out of New Order would be lined up against a wall and shot. You’d think I might get arrested for saying something like that but actually I’d probably get a medal or at least an Amazon voucher.”

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