2020 Cancelled. Everyone Goes Home.

Following the devastating economic and social upheaval of the Coronavirus outbreak, the people of planet Earth today declared 2020 a write-off and went home.

The year will now be boxed up and put away in the attic next to the Christmas decorations where it will gather dust until the next time someone makes a trip to the recycling centre.

The decision comes following months of misery and uncertainty following the viral Covid-19 outbreak which has caused untold damage to businesses and personal lives and limited the ability of almost everyone on the planet to live a normal life.

Covid-19 literally laughing its ass off at all of us yesterday

“The term flogging a dead horse springs to mind,” Jean-Claude Juncker, president of the European Commission, said today in a bleak press conference in which most of the reporters present were wearing pyjamas. “I mean, okay Coronavirus, we get it. You won. All we can do now really is go home, spend some time with our families and hope 2021 isn’t such a huge turd-fest.”

World leaders are due to meet up tonight at an undisclosed location to ‘get shit faced’ while key workers in government offices across the world set about burning all documents, files and meeting minutes dated from January 1st to the present day.


Prime Minister Boris Johnson has already announced that Big Ben will be reset to chime midnight New Years Eve “when we get around to it”, making the statement dressed in a kangaroo onesey. “Until then the government advises everyone to just toddle off home and forget any of this ever happened.”

When asked about the economy, support for renters, employees who face losing their jobs and the ailing economy, which failed to recover today despite the Bank of England introducing quantitative easing and lowering interest rates to unprecedented levels, Johnson merely shrugged. “Fuck it.”

Russian Premier, Vladimir Putin, refused to comment on the cancellation of 2020, saying instead that “me and Kim Jong-Un are going to get mashed on DMT and some super-eight grade meth. Join us, or don’t.”

Vlad and Kim resign themselves to a night of utter debauchery

Vocal climate change activist, Greta Thunberg, was philosophical. “With pubs, clubs and restaurants closed and nothing good on the telly I think euthanizing 2020 is the kind thing to do. We can save the planet next year. I’m going to have a nice bath with some scented candles and maybe have a little sleep.”

Celebrities across the world also gave their two cents on the decision, with handsome movie star Ben Afflek telling a well known fashion magazine, “I’m going home to get pissed and sleep with prostitutes,” while Charlize Theron, star of Cider House Rules and Mad Max: Fury Road, announced her intention to “make a pillow fort and stay there until everything doesn’t suck anymore.”


Meanwhile, the Coronavirus continues unabated and apparently unfazed by humanity’s decision to ‘pull the plug’. From its evil lair in Wuhan China, the virus proclaimed absolute victory this afternoon with a final statement. “Shove that up your pipe and smoke it mother fuckers!”

While global leaders would normally be expected to condemn such inflammatory rhetoric, none were available for comment this evening as they were all getting wasted on Jägerbombs and cocaine.

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