US Authorities yesterday condemned plans to bring Die Hard maverick John McClane out of retirement to tackle the Coronavirus outbreak.
Sergeant Al Powell, who famously aided loose-cannon McClane in recovering the Nakatomi building from terrorist Hans Gruber, told the New York Times, “in the absence of any clear leadership and with senators dragging their heels over all this, we made a decision to call on John. Someone needs to do something and he’s just the guy to do it.”
Speculation on whether McClane can turn his unique brand of irreverent police work to the matter of an international pandemic was rife yesterday, with several prominent newspapers questioning Powell’s decision. However, the mood of the American public appears to be behind McClane.
“We need McClane and we need him bad,” Twitter user Jimmy Neubert posted on hearing the news, “the President ain’t gonna get us through this. We need someone who gets things done and doesn’t care if bad guys get in his way.”
McClane’s agent today confirmed that the star of five Die Hard movies is preparing to tackle the situation. “John understands the serious nature of the problem. He’s already broken up with his wife for the fifth time and is washing all his white vests.”
The agent outlined McClane’s proposed plan to defeat the Coronavirus and save America from disaster ‘at the last minute’.
“There will be carnage to begin with, but once the dust settles you’ll start seeing some classic McClane action. Bad guys won’t stand a chance.”
“At some point the FBI or possibly the CIA will try to take control and ‘get McClane out of there before he does more harm than good’, but the American people can rest assured John will stay on-task.”
“We estimate that around the end of March John will be covered in blood and may or may not be wearing his white vest by that point. He will have various injuries, will be very sweaty and looking dishevelled, but this will not impair his ability to slay terrorists in a variety of entertaining and gruesome ways.”
“We expect John to wrap things up by mid-April. He’ll emerge from the chaos to be greeted by a shamefaced Donald Trump who will try to thank John for saving the day. John will then punch Trump square in the face, knocking him to the ground and we’re expecting he will then say something like, “that’s for America you son-of-a-bitch”, though we haven’t quite settled on a definite quip yet. For sure, John’s estranged wife will then appear and throw her arms around him.”
Asked if such tactics are likely to work against an invisible pathogen which causes lung dysfunctions and spreads at an exponential rate, McClane’s agent replied,
“At first it will seem John has succeeded. But as he hugs his wife we’ll see the virus rise up again, possibly armed with uzis. John will search around for a weapon but won’t find one. At that point a scientist, who until now hasn’t been able to find a vaccine because he accidentally administered a deadly drug to a child years ago and hasn’t been able to even hold a syringe since, will find some balls and vaccinate that virus back to the stone age.”
The news comes after Wil Smith reportedly turned down requests that he ‘save America at the last minute and punch the President.’
Smith’s agent released a press statement which said, “Wil is really busy right now working on other projects and won’t be able to swagger through the smoking ruins of America’s streets with a cigar in his mouth, kicking Covid-19’s ass. He does, however, wish every American well and hopes we can all stay safe during this unprecedented crisis.”