The British peasantry breathed a sigh of relief today following a statement from Buckingham Palace reassuring everyone that Her Royal Highness the Queen does not have Covid 19 and is in good health.
The news follows revelations that Prince Charles has tested positive for the Coronavirus despite cancelling all royal appointments since 12th March. “He hasn’t been spreading it about thank goodness,” a Buckingham Palace insider told the Daily Shunt. “He took the very difficult decision to self isolate in a castle in Scotland a couple of weeks ago.”
As British vassals up and down the country wallowed in mud, rutted in the fields and chased one another around their mud hut villages with sticks, the Great British press offered a brief respite of good news by revealing that the Queen is well and Prince Charles is only showing ‘mild symptoms’.
Millions of filthy British serfs, who have been denied a test on the grounds that the government think it will be a bit tricky to organise, were spared another sleepless night of worrying when Prince Charles was given the test, confirming that he has the Coronas.
The Royal Family have been given key worker status by the government during this difficult time but have chosen to isolate themselves in castles, mansions, palaces and overseas villas ‘just in case’.
A Buckingham Palace spokesman explained, “if members of the Royal household are forced to self isolate during these unprecedented times there will be a greatly reduced chance for them to create scandals. For this reason the government has granted them key worker status.”
Matt Hancock, MP, who seems to be this week’s go-to Coronavirus expert, justified the special treatment Prince Charles received at an NHS hospital in Aberdeenshire this week and explained very slowly to an ignorant British public why the Royal family remain so crucial to the infrastructure of this country:
“If the Royals don’t appear in the newspapers at least once a week it becomes insufferably difficult to justify the massive drain they represent on taxpayer coffers. As every subservient grovelling citizen of this pleasant green land knows, without a Royal family we would immediately be exposed to invasion from the Russians and Europe. We are doing everything in our power – often putting our work in combating this disgusting infection on hold in the process – to ensure the Queen and her family are comfortable.”
Meanwhile, organisers of opening ceremonies, galas and polo events have reported an overwhelming number of uncut ribbons, unsmashed champagne bottles and crowds of well-wishers with nothing to cheer or wave tiny Union Jacks at. At the same time, a mountain of unopened caviar is said to be creating a dreadful waste of space in London’s Excel Centre, delaying efforts to turn the building into a temporary hospital.
Matt Hancock, who inexplicably fielded this one also, said, “we are aware of the unprecedented number of events which are not receiving the Royal seal of approval and understand that this may cause some kind of bad voodoo omen over the event, causing mass hysteria, ships to sink and polo matches to turn into bloodbaths. Unfortunately this is an unprecedented time and while the government is doing everything in its power to guide the nation there are limits to those powers.”
Derek Goodyear, a now out-of-work self employed builder from Stourbridge who shows symptoms of the Coronavirus but has been denied the tests on account of being ‘not Royal’ , was delighted by the news as he opened his copy of The Sun this morning.
“It’s great innit. Looks like they’re lookin’ after her Maj. I’m so proud of good old Boris for what he’s doin’ for this country. He’s like Churchill isn’t he, risin’ to the occasion. I mean, those limp wristed lefty snowflakes say he should’ve done somethin’ sooner, but they always have a moan don’t they. Bloody liberals. Nah. So long as her Maj is alright, the rest of us will get through, that’s what I say.”