People of Planet Earth Astonished to Learn It’s Thursday

The people of planet Earth were astounded today as they woke up to discover, quite by chance, that it’s Thursday.

As millions self-isolate or endure a forced lock-down amidst the ongoing Coronavirus outbreak, a phenomenon which experts describe as ‘The Christmas Holiday Effect’ has started to cause each day to blur into the next.


“It’s Thursday?!” Anne White, an administrative clerk from Ottery St Mary who is self-isolating with her husband and three children, exclaimed upon hearing the news. “I’ve already drunk the bottle of wine I usually reserve for Friday night and we’ve exhausted all the new Netflix movies.”

Derek Chalmers, a sales rep from Kesgrave, was sighted shambling aimlessly along a road in his home town, taking his one designated daily walk. “Honestly, I did not know it was Thursday today. I thought it was Wednesday. It’s March isn’t it? Yes. It is. I’m pretty sure it is.”

Thursday if Thursday was a picture

Professor of Anthropology at Keynsham Technical College, Michael Duberry, explained, “what we call the Christmas Holiday Effect occurs when people have a long time off work and no longer keep track of the days. Everything just becomes one endless stream of taking naps, eating badly, drinking too much and wondering what’s on the telly.”


Professor Duberry went on to say, “I’m in the same boat. I’m pretty sure it’s Thursday but without looking at my phone I couldn’t say for sure. Would you like a Celebrations chocolate? We got them during last week’s panic buy.”

The phenomenon is not confined to the British Isles but has been experienced in every corner of the globe as the Coronavirus pandemic encroaches upon the shores and borders of every nation on Earth.

Karl Schilling, who lives in Braunschweig in the Lower Saxony state of Germany, said, “fick mich, ist es schon donnerstag?!” Which roughly translates as “fuck me, is it Thursday already?!”

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