Scooby Doo, the famous crime-fighting Great Dane, and his gang of unlikely cohorts, have shocked the nation by investigating the Coronavirus mystery and revealing the culprit behind such disasters as delayed support for the self-employed and a lack of PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) for medical staff.
Scoob, Shaggy, Fred, Daphne and Velma were first called to investigate the strange goings on at Number 10 Downing Street by a government insider who wished to remain nameless. Fred Jones, the gang’s unofficial leader, accepted the invitation, saying,
“We already thought the whole thing was fishy. We were happy to take a closer look.”
The gang were given the details: the British public had been lied to by a duplicitous government who failed to act during a time of national crisis in time enough to save the lives of hundreds of thousands.
“It just didn’t make any sense,” bespectacled sleuth, Velma Dinkley told Sky News in a televised interview today. “On the one hand, the government seemed to be concerned about the health of the nation, but on the other, they seemed to be ignoring medical advice, setting stock in pseudo sciences like ‘herd immunity’ and dithering over vital things like support for the self employed.”
Velma went on to explain how the gang started their investigation. “We started looking for clues. Scoob and Shaggy went to look over the old Number 10 Downing Street house while Fred and Daphne followed a strange trail of avocado crumbs and empty Costa cups which they’d noticed in the rear yard of the house. I focused on rumours about a mysterious and ghostly figure who appears to be haunting Parliament.”
The gang soon ran into trouble. As Velma hunted the ghastly creature said to be roaming the halls of Westminster, Shaggy and Scooby Doo decided to take a break from super-sleuthing to get a snack.
Shaggy took up the story, “Scoob and me went looking for a place to hide, isn’t that right Scoob? We stumbled on Scottish MP Ian Blackford’s secret stash of food and I put together a really great sandwich which was approximately three feet tall and full of every conceivable filling. But as I was about to bite down we heard a terrible voice and turned to see a spooky creature with floppy yellow hair and a bloated, buffoonish face bearing down on us! Scoob and me scrammed!”
After a chase through Westminster, Scoob and Shaggy hid behind a huge rack of ceremonial sceptres and watched as the apparition stalked past then disappeared into private chambers, mumbling incoherently and in a broad Etonian accent to itself.
Meanwhile, Fred and Daphne had followed the trail of discarded objects to discover a grey beanie hat and spectacles lodged between two benches in Parliament. “I had my suspicions about those objects straight away,” Fred told Sky News’s Kay Burley, “but I wanted to compare the clues we’d found with Velma first.”
Velma had been doing some investigations of her own. Gaining access to the same private chamber where Shaggy and Scoob had seen the apparition disappear, she came across a discarded rubber mask and blonde wig.
“It all fell into place then,” Daphne explained. “When we all got back together and looked at all the clues, it was obvious.”
As yesterday’s live press conference to the nation was about to go live, the terrible apparition appeared again, terrifying camera crews and government advisors. But Scoob and the gang had set a trap and the apparition was captured as it tried to approach the microphone podium.
“It was quite a spectacle,” the anonymous government insider later revealed, “while Scooby Doo and Shaggy screamed and ran away, Fred and Velma released an ingenious trap which snared the strange creature on the podium stand. The police bustled in and handcuffed the monster as Velma stepped forward to explain the mystery.”
“People have been listening to this creature for weeks,” Velma pointed accusingly at the blonde haired, oafish beast shuffling around on the podium, “but there really is no ‘Terror of 10 Downing Street.” With a flourish, Velma appeared to tear off the creature’s head. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when the head turned out to be a strapped-on mask and a silly wig after all.
“Dominic Cummings!” Everyone exclaimed.
As the bald headed government advisor was put into handcuffs, Daphne, Fred and Velma took it in turns to explain, “there never was a creature called Boris Johnson. Cummings invented him so he could pretend to be Prime Minister and rule the country.”
Fred picked up the thread, “the objects we found all pointed to one thing. The avocado crumbs, the discarded Costa cups, the ridiculous grey beanie hat and the hipster glasses. Those things could only belong to Cummings who is a horribly toadying little upper middle-class twat.”
Daphne concluded, “when I found the mask and ridiculous wig in Boris Johnson’s private chambers I knew. Cummings was slipping in there and putting on the mask and wig, then going out to lead Prime Minister’s Questions and other important Parliamentary debates. He was essentially in charge of the country!”
“All correct. Bah!” Cummings slouched angrily, glowering at Scoob and the gang. “And I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids and that infuriating pooch.”
Scooby Doo gave a closing statement as the villain Cummings was led away to serve a long prison sentence, “Scooby Roooby Roooo”.