PM Ignores Expert Advice on Mass Mailing of Letters, Will Lick Each Stamp Personally

Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who last week tested positive for Coronavirus and has since been isolated from ministers and aides, will send a letter to every household in the UK outlining his plans to tackle the Coronavirus outbreak.

The Conservative party leader has purportedly ignored expert scientific advisers who say he should not lick every stamp himself and should definitely wear gloves and a mask when writing them.

Matt Hancock, who has also tested positive for the dangerous virus, explained, “gloves wouldn’t work. Nobody can go near him and he wouldn’t be able to figure out how they work on his own. We tried getting him to wear a mask before, but that doesn’t work either. If you cover his mouth he assumes nobody can hear him, so he stops talking and, after a short time, stops breathing.”

Number 10 Insiders say Boris’s hair has spread ‘exponentially’ in isolation.

Johnson, who sticks his tongue out when he writes, is expected to use his ‘Best PM Ever’ felt tip pen to write the letters. Number 10 have already placed a bulk order for Dora the Explorer stationery and aides are said to be on standby with industrial size bottles of Tipex in anticipation of an ‘avalanche’ of grammatical errors.


Government advisers were able to avert disaster last week when Boris attempted to wrest control of a move to send bulk text messages warning the public of the dangers posed by the Coronavirus.

“He wanted to write it himself,” Dan Walker, a Westminster press secretary told the Daily Shunt. “He started it out, dear British public. How are you, I am fine.” Which didn’t convey the right sense of formality. Frankly I’m dreading a first look at this bloody letter, but at least he didn’t insist on using crayons this time.”

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