Dominic Cummings has tested positive for Coronavirus, heightening concerns that nobody is now in charge of the British government.
Michael Gove attempted briefly to take advantage of the power vacuum today, declaring himself overlord of Britain in an attempted cabinet coup but his attempt was laughed down by fellow ministers who hurled eggs and called him a ‘silly old duffer’.
Boris Johnson, who acts in an official capacity as Conservative leader under Cummings, offered his sympathies to the country’s actual Prime Minister. A number 10 insider said that Johnson weeped openly upon hearing the news and ‘rocked back and forth in his isolation chamber while clutching a blanky and sucking his thumb’.
Cummings, who last week was seen running away from Number 10 Downing Street after hearing news that Johnson had the virus, is said by aides and ministers to be “just as fucking irritating as ever, only at least now we only have to talk to him on the phone.”
Cummings has pretended to act as Johnson’s ‘adviser’ since the ex-Etonian was elected as leader of the Conservative party in 2019 following then Prime Minister Theresa May’s exit from the role.
An anonymous Westminster source described Cummings’ rise to power. “Seeing an opportunity to play a Wizard of Oz puppet master to one of the most gormless individuals in politics, Cummings whispered sweet nothings into Johnson’s ear until even Johnson thought Cummings’ ideas were his own. He’s Saruman to Johnson’s Theoden, a Machiavellian shit stick of the highest order and a total psychopath. You wouldn’t wish him on your worst enemy’s worst enemy.”
Cummings, who fellow ministers say was the proponent behind an absurd ‘herd immunity’ policy designed to protect the economy and slay thousands of innocent British citizens at the start of the Coronavirus outbreak, will now be forced to self-isolate, leaving many to wonder who, if anyone, now leads the country.