Boris Johnson will today send a patronising ‘letter to every household’ in the UK explaining to us like we’re five year olds why he and his government are most definitely and conclusively not to blame for whatever horrors we face in the coming weeks.
Most of us will throw the letter in the bin. A few of us will read it. We’ve decided to come up with five alternatives to these two obvious options which might make this tremendous waste of taxpayer money worthwhile after all.
5 Boost Your Toilet Paper Stores
The letter will probably only cover one sheet and we’re quite confident the paper won’t be ‘quilted’ but you may gain a certain satisfaction from wiping your arse on something adorned with Boris’s signature.
4 Write a Letter Back
Write your response on the back of the official Number 10 Downing Street letter. Why not send your best wishes to Boris and Dominic Cummings as they recover from Covid 19, or use the opportunity to demand the government do more to support those in the National Health Service. Friendly or controversial, we leave that up to you.
3 Declare War on Another Country
Simply tipex out Boris’s writing but leave the Number 10 Downing Street letterhead and Boris’s signature. In between, why not write a spoof ‘we declare war on you’ letter to somewhere like the United States of America.
They won’t be able to ignore it because Boris clearly signed it off. Lolz!
2 Make a Paper Aeroplane
As the saying goes, the old ones are the best. After ‘throw it in the bin’ we’re fairly confident this will be number 2 on most peoples’ lists. Remember to make nice crisp folds so your paper aircraft flies true.
Why not throw it out the window at a pensioner who refuses to observe self-isolation rules, or save it for Christmas and give it to your children because at this rate Christmas probably isn’t going to happen.
1 Frame it and Sell it on Ebay
Although this letter will be going to literally every household in the UK, why not be that one person who believes they have something rare and precious on their hands and try to sell it on Ebay.
You may even get a buyer. An anglophile American with money to burn, perhaps, or an escaped lunatic who inadvertently gained access to the internet. Either way, you’ve made an easy profit and, like Boris himself, you’ll be turning something intended as a benefit society into something that will make you a fast buck. Way to go!