1 in 2 Health Gurus ‘a Bunch of Bastards’ According to New Study

A new scientific study has found that 1 in 2 health gurus are ‘a bunch of bastards’.

The study, by the Institute for Public Health found that approximately half of all health gurus are a bunch of bastards, while the other half are merely ‘living fucknuckles worthy of a punch in the gonads’.

The study found that Joe Wicks, long haired fitness hippy, who recently took it upon himself to ‘get Britain fit’ in a series of videos on his YouTube video channel The Body Coach TV, was top of the food chain when it comes to ‘fitness fucknards who make the rest of us look bad’.

Joe Wicks – ‘tremendous plonker’

Wicks, dressed in skin-tight lycra and cycling shorts, said he was ‘buzzing’ after 800,000 tuned into his channel to do running on the spot and jumping around.

Head of the study, Lindsay Merrington said, “while the rest of us fat lard buckets binge-watch Netflix, drink all the wine and wish we were dead, these health gurus do very little to help our self esteem.”

“Yeah, they look great, have tonnes of energy and make a living stating the bleedin’ obvious with lines like ‘don’t sit in front of the TV getting fat’ and ‘a little exercise a day will keep you fit and healthy’ but it’s not like we don’t already know that.”


Merrington went on, “We know. We just can’t be arsed and eating last night’s cold Yorkshire pudding smothered in peanut butter while watching Mad Men in your underpants is a lot more fun than making yourself feel sick by trying to keep up with someone who looks like they’ve never even heard of a three tier chicken, bacon, ketchup and cheese sandwich.”

The results of the study were released in the same week 90s fitness guru Mister Motivator grasped on the Joe Wicks publicity band wagon and emerged from a cryogenic tank to ‘get Britain pumped’.

Sporting the exact same outfit he wore when presenting his 90s TV show, Mister Motivator presented a disturbing vision of patronising douchebaggery as he pranced, flexed and showed off his biceps.


“There really is something utterly revolting about health gurus on TV,” psychologist Anne Gaffrey said in relation to the study. “We know we should be more like them and that they are better than us and they prey on that.”

“How can the average sofa-vegetable compete with someone who has legs like tooth floss, the muscular buttocks of a thoroughbred racehorse and the energy reserves of a nuclear power station? We let them talk down to us like we’re five year olds because they’ve attained levels of smugness we can only dream of. It really shouldn’t be like that.”

British health guru Ashy Bines holding a glass of percolated bogeys

Gaffrey went on, “be proud of the body you have and if you can’t match the, frankly, unachievable body and fitness levels of these people don’t beat yourself up. Some of us have wobbly bellies and several bottoms. Some of us realise that running on the spot literally gets you nowhere.”

“If you must reform yourself from Jabba the Hutt to Princess Leia, just cut down a bit on the chocolates and wine. But right now things are tough. We’re all going through a bad period. We need all the seratonin hits we can get. Don’t think these people are gods just because they have pectorals and a vegan diet.”

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