Doctor Sydney Newman, a doctor who works for the World Health Organisation (WHO) is to be sent back in time in an effort to stop the Coronavirus before it happens, scientists announced today.
The Doctor, who has worked for the specialist United Nations agency for twenty years, will travel back in time using a ‘Time And Relative Dimension In Space’ machine which scientists are calling a Time Mover for short.
Lead scientist on the project, Professor Donald Wilson said, “right now we need a doctor who can do more than simply treat those suffering from this disease. We need a doctor who can go back in time and a doctor who has the skills and qualifications to spot the precise moment when the virus passed from animal to human. We believe this occurred when someone in Wuhan, China (whom we refer to as Patient Zero) ate a wild bat infected with the virus.”
The doctor, who will be travelling with two companions to assist him in stopping the spread of the illness at its source, was today said to be nervous but determined to see the project through.
Scientist and lead engineer working on the Time Mover, C E Webber, told a leading scientific journal that the machine had only been tested a few times with ‘varying degrees of success’.
“The second time we activated the machine we discovered that the process of moving through time creates a warp field in interdimensional space which subsequently opens the time traveller to realms and worlds which may not be part of our own universe.”
“During one of these test missions, we inadvertently attracted the attention of entities who live within these worlds. They call themselves ‘Dread Attackers of Life and Extermination Killers’, but we call them Time Soldiers for short.”
The Time Soldiers are just one aspect of the time travel project which has detractors worried. A scientist who refers to himself simply as The Master told the Daily Shunt,
“This meddlesome doctor who thinks he can change time will soon learn that time can be a fickle servant. Upon Gallifrey the doctor and I will meet once again and there end that which is endless, the intertwining fate which has forever stitched our destinies as one. For the doctor and I are one and the same. All shall bow at our feet in the dying embers of the universe.”
The cryptic warning was echoed by scientists at CERN laboratories who said, “time travel is theoretically impossible and we’ve never heard of this doctor who claims to have a time machine at his disposal.”
“We still don’t know enough about temporal science to even consider making a device capable of moving back in time. We are all, however, familiar with a device that travels forwards in time. It’s called planet Earth and it creeps forward through time at precisely one second per second.”
Of this second mystery time machine, CERN refused to comment and failed to reveal whether another doctor, who possibly works for CERN, will take this second device and attempt the same mission.
Meanwhile, a young boy from Hill Valley, California claims to have come from the past in an effort to avert the Time Mover project which, he alleges, will cause a lot of problems in the future.
Stating that he would need to go back to the past again, but this time in the future in order to change the past, Martin McFly, a teenage student at Hill Valley High School, told a Californian newspaper,
“This doctor, who thinks he can change the past, will also accidentally set into motion a chain of events which will prevent lightning from striking a certain clock tower in a certain town at a certain time and really fuck things up for me. I mean, he’ll really royally fuck everything the fuck up and I’ve been through too much shit at this point to put up with it.”
The Time Mover is due to be activated on Monday morning, returning less than a nanosecond after it leaves. Only then will the world know if the doctor, who may now be our only hope to beat this pandemic, has succeeded in his quest.
In other news, police are asking the public to be on the lookout for a Sarah Connor whom they believe may be in danger. If anyone has any information or knows the whereabouts of this person they are urged to contact their local police station.