Terry Scott, a local motorbike enthusiast from Portishead in Somerset, greatly impressed neighbours forced to remain in their homes during the Coronavirus lock-down and fellow drivers on the road by riding his bike at terrifying speeds this morning.
Opening the throttle on his Moto Guzi V7III, Scott (48) roared around streets at breakneck speed and did several wheelies, thus proving his manliness despite putting the lives of pedestrians and fellow drivers at risk.
Local nurse, Abigail Cross, who was attempting to sleep after an exhausting night shift caring for an increasing number of Coronavirus sufferers, said of Scott’s outing:
“I thought someone was firing a rocket launcher and looked out the window to see Mister Scott hurtling by on his motorbike. I was so impressed by this display of sheer, unadulterated manhood that I instantly fell in love. I couldn’t get back to sleep after that experience so I just sat up waiting for my next shift and dreamed about Mister Scott.”
Derek Jacobs, a trolley collector at his local Morrisons said, “it sounded like someone was testing aircraft engines, but it turned out to be this motorbike guy. As I crossed the road in my high-vis jacket on my way back from a soul-destroying day of shifting trolley trains and getting yelled at by irate members of the public he nearly ran me over, but it was worth it.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a monumental display of heroic motorbike handling. The way he swerved around me and told me to ‘watch where the fuck you’re going you fucking moron’ just made it all the more awesome.”
Self-isolators who were unable to hear the TV or themselves think during Scott’s one hour ride-around were equally impressed.
6 Months pregnant Annabelle Trench who lives in a one bed council flat with her unemployed husband and six kids said, “we’ve been keeping ourselves indoors for the good of everyone else, as per government guidelines, so it’s nice to know that not everybody needs to be cooped up inside.”
“We decided to record Homes Under the Hammer to watch later when the noise died down a bit. It was especially impressive when Mister Scott gunned the engine when leaving every single junction. It was not so much a sound as a tremendous thudding that tore through my body and made me feel sick. Terribly clever of him.”
Of the super speedy race around town, Mister Scott himself said, “you’ve got some serious torque on a V7III. She needs to be unleashed at least once a day. If that gets up peoples’ noses I don’t give a shit.”
Asked what he intended to do with the rest of his day, Mister Scott told us, “I’m going to have three or four bonfires around the time people are hanging out their washing then I’m going to meet a bunch of my mates in the local park. There’s not much else to do now Spoons is shut.”
“Later, I’ll probably walk home yelling random swear words as loudly as I can with some of my mates from the English Defence League, around the time people are trying to put their kids to bed, probably. It’ll make people feel safer knowing we’re there keeping an eye on the undesirables, if you know what I mean.”
When asked if he was going to follow government guidelines and self-isolate at any point, Mister Scott smirked, “it’s become a bit of a game, avoiding the rozzers. Yesterday I told them I was a key worker on my way to hospital, but that’s not true. I’m actually a traffic warden.”
Residents of Cornwall, the Isle of Man and the Cotswolds were heartened today to learn that Mister Scott will be accompanying four of his mates on a ‘biking holiday’ to all three locations next week.
Cornish councillor Linda Taylor said, “we can’t wait. We hardly ever get middle aged men riding their motorbikes at lethal speeds on Cornwall’s exceptionally narrow country lanes full of slow moving tractors, cyclists and elderly pedestrians, so it will be quite novel.”