Jesus Christ Finally Returns, Blames Snooze Button for Lateness

Jesus Christ, the mythological Christian godhead, finally resurrected on Earth today, appearing amidst a host of angels and heavenly trumpets in New York’s Central Park. He blamed his lateness on the snooze button.

Dressed only in a duvet and sporting bed-hair and an uncombed beard, the Lord and Saviour addressed a gathering crowd of stunned onlookers (who were soon dispersed by police).

As he handed out chocolate Easter eggs, the biblical demi-god apologised for being late, saying, “I hit the snooze one too many times. In my defence this is a dead cozy tog 15 quilt.”

New York’s Central Park where police dispersed the multitude

The son of God gave a brief blessing to his fans before checking in at a swanky Manhattan hotel, claiming he had ‘the mother of all jet lags’ and needed ‘a bath and a glass of wine’.

Before leaving the site of his second coming, Christ frowned and asked, “why is everyone wearing pyjamas?”

Eye witness to the divine event and New York resident Alice Meyer, who was jogging through Central Park when the Messiah appeared, said, “he’s very ethnic isn’t he? I tried to give him some spare change but he said fiscal wealth was immaterial and turned my Gatorade into wine.”


Hadasa Bercowicz, head of New York’s Jewish Council, released a press statement in the wake of the Messiah’s arrival, saying, “obviously we’ve been proven wrong and take that on the chin. But I still have some pretty stern questions for the Prodigal Son, mostly about the whole of the 20th century and where the bloody hell his dad was during, oh I don’t know, that period between 1930 and 1950?”

Though the divine deity was still lodged out of sight in his hotel suite this afternoon (thought to be the penthouse of the Park Hyatt) an angelic spokesperson appeared before the mass of reporters, worshippers, wailers and self-flagellators mustering in the streets of New York to give a blanket statement.

“The Shepherd of Nazareth apologises for the lateness of his second coming, but the traffic was a nightmare and you know how it is on Bank Holidays.”

An artist’s impression of what God might look like

“His Highest on High had hoped to be here for the dark ages, but what with one thing or another, I’m sure you understand. Anyhoo, He would like to give the following message to the peoples of planet Earth.”

The angel went on to recite the words of the son of man, “my dear humanity, first a quick word from my Dad. Thanks for all the praying, kneeling towards Mecca, smiting in my name and holy wars etc. and so forth.”

“It’s all been awfully entertaining and given me something to watch when things get quiet in the snug. Not really much to add, as I try not to meddle with the old free will, but, top tip: if you could just relax the beheadings a bit I think you might see some overnight improvement and everyone getting along better. Oh, and try not to kill my son this time. I’ve decided on a two strike rule there I’m afraid.”


The messenger then relayed Christ’s own statement, “I’ll be with you very shortly, just as soon as I’ve cleared my head. In the meantime if you could all avoid sinning that would be great.”

“Seems like there’s been quite a bit of sinning since I was here last. Disappointing really. I thought that whole thing with the cross, nails in the hands, spear in the side and what have you made it pretty clear, but I’m sure it’s my fault. I’ll try to avoid mixed messages in future. Be excellent to each other in the meanwhile. Peace out.”

As the world waits with bated breath for further word from the Saviour, particularly on the subject of the Coronavirus, Israel released an official statement today which simply said “bugger.”

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