Tories to Take Friday Off For Slytherin House ‘Class of 79’ Reunion

The entire Conservative party will take all of Friday 8th April off work, despite the current Coronavirus crisis, to attend their ‘Class of 79’ Slytherin House reunion at Hogwarts, Dominic Raab announced today.

Raab – who won’t personally be going as he was in the Slytherin class of ’95 – made clear the government’s intention to extend an already long weekend by an extra day in a tweet posted this afternoon.

Non-MPs expected to attend the reunion include newspaper mogul Rupert Murdoch, musician R Kelly, actor Kevin Spacey and American TV host Ellen Degeneres.

Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein will not be attending due to ‘prior commitments’.

Michael Gove ‘parcelmouth’

Notable in his absence will be Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who was yesterday admitted to intensive care after his Coronavirus condition worsened.

Reunion activities are expected to include practising the unforgivable curses, torturing a select group of Gryffindor first years, ‘whipping the wands out’ whenever Madam Pomfrey walks past and the time honoured favourite – kicking the poor.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, who insiders say is extraordinarily excited about the reunion, is expected to give a presentation on ‘lounging in a sexually suggestive way’, while Michael Gove will be in charge of house elf abuse and ‘death eating’.

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