MPs Rename £10,000 Pay Rise ‘Cocaine and Call Girl Allowance’

Members of Parliament, who this week graciously granted themselves a £10,000 pay increase to cover the exorbitant costs of not going to work have defended the increase in their wage as necessary in order to pay for existing cocaine habits and call girls.

A Westminster insider said, “London based drug dealers and high class escorts are among those hardest hit by the Coronavirus crisis, so MPs are just supporting local causes to keep the economy ticking over. It’s another selfless sacrifice they’re making for us. The public should be out clapping and banging pots with wooden spoons for MPs, not nurses and doctors.”

The £10,000 increase in MP wages was previously earmarked as a way to help them purchase laptops and printers which they would need while working from home and which, for obvious reasons, would need to be gold plated and hand delivered by Bill Gates in a chauffeur driven Bentley.

But this explanation was quickly dismissed as nonsense by critics who called for a more plausible reason.

The increase, which comes at a time when the government insist “this is not the time to discuss a pay rise for nurses”, will lift the relative pittance of £81,932 which MPs are expected to subsist on every year and comes on top of their usual office budget of £26,000 per year.

By contrast, statutory sick pay in the UK was increased by only £1.60 to £95.85 per week just days before MPs announced their generous gift to themselves.

“The sick and those unable to work can’t afford cocaine or call girls, so why would we plough extra money into that sector of society?” One Tory MP said on Twitter yesterday,

Matt Hancock’s has a bit of previous when it comes to screwing over the nurses

“If anything we should be reducing payments so these unhealthy people starve to death or take their own lives out of desperation and stop draining the public purse at a time when the nation’s health is of the utmost importance.”

Not all MPs intend to use the bonus windfall to maintain an expensive drug and prostitute habit, however. One Lib Dem MP said, “this will save me from the food bank this year. Normally I do all my work on a typewriter or with a crayon and instead of paper I use that grease-proof stuff you normally wrap turkeys in at Christmas.”

“I’ll be spending the money on some much needed clothes so I’m no longer forced to wear stuff I made myself out of stitched together Bags for Life. My children will also get some proper food for once instead of road kill and insects. No more scurvy for them.”

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