Priti Patel, the British Government’s Secretary of State for International Development, will be celebrating her eleventy first birthday today after emerging from a cryogenic stasis tank to address the nation yesterday.
In her first official address since the Coronavirus crisis began, Patel was asked if she would apologise for PPE shortages for health professionals and melted the nation’s heart by answering, ‘sorry if people felt there was a failure’.
She then went on to claim that there had been “three hundred thousand, and thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand” tests for the virus so far.
Leading scientists were today saying that the unusual figure suggests the government’s new Covid-19 tests may exist in a parallel universe, or could perhaps be made of magic.
At a gathering of friends and relatives this afternoon celebrating Patel’s landmark birthday, the MP said, “I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”
The British public, meanwhile, will be holding a nationwide round of applause for Priti tonight at twenty twelve minutes past eighteen and ten.
In unrelated news, the village of Gutford in Wales have lost their village idiot and are appealing to members of the public for information as to her whereabouts. She is described as ‘enigmatically attractive but dumber than a box of hammers’ and ‘with all the personality of a nasal polyp.’