Nurse Pays Mortgage With Applause and Banging Pans With a Spoon

Nurse Sarah Hodges, a healthcare frontline professional with four children, a husband out of work due to the Coronavirus and a £680 per month mortgage, told of her astonishment upon finding out that the more people clap and bang pots with spoons on Thursday evening, the higher her bank balance goes.

An underpaid British nurse looks after an elderly patient recovering from being a Tory voter

Hodges, who has been skipping meals while working 18 hour shifts at a busy metropolitan hospital admitted that her comments were ‘sarcastic’ but then added,

“look, we get it. You want to show your gratitude and we’re all grateful. We really are. But half of you lot who go out and bang pots and set off fireworks voted Tory. And the Tories are the sole reason I cry myself to sleep at night.”

Hodges added, before hurrying off to undertake another gruelling shift, “clap by all means. But please, if you really give a shit about us, don’t vote for a party that wants to feed health professionals into a wood-chipper in the next election.”

A nurse decked out in Personal Protective Equipment as supplied by the British government

The raw comments from a frontline key worker follow worrying news that the government has all but given up on its quest to amass a vast number of critical ventilators.

At the same time, senior ministers are being accused of deliberately covering up a staggering number of deaths in care homes across the country.

A Number 10 insider said, “people need to chill. It’s only old people. They’ll die anyway eventually and really, when you think about it, they don’t contribute to the economy. If anything they’re a drain. And most of them smell of wee.”

Two nurses on their break trying to figure out why Priti Patel exists

The insider hastily added, “I am talking about old people in care homes, not the ones who still buy the Daily Mail, Telegraph and Sun, obviously. Those are the good kind of old people and we thank them for their votes.”

In a leaked Home Office conference call on Tuesday, Deputy Science Advisor, Rupert Shute revealed that the government are still secretly dedicated to their original game of Russian Roulette, aka ‘herd immunity’, which requires hundreds of thousands die from the deadly Coronavirus.

Meanwhile, Priti Patel, Matt Hancock and Alok Sharma collectively refused to apologise for a lack of adequate Personal Protective Equipment for health workers at the close of last week.

Alok Sharma refuses to be a human being

Patel triggered a media storm by stating during a live press conference, “I’m sorry if people feel there have been failings,” before going on to give a nonsensical number regarding the amount of Coronavirus tests carried out in the UK so far.

As Prime Minister Boris Johnson recovered in his sprawling Chequers mansion this week he took time out from his failure to observe his own non-essential-travel guidelines to praise the two nurses who looked after him during his own brush with Covid 19.

Helen Whately Social ‘Care’ Minister couldn’t care less

Entirely failing to observe the sublime irony that both nurses are immigrants and that he, as PM, is the only person in the entire country capable of rewarding them properly by giving them a much needed pay rise, Johnson said the two “stood by my bedside for 48 hours when things could have gone either way”.

Therese Coffey goes ‘full robot’

Political adviser, Jeremy Mulreaney said, “this Tory government have been crushing the NHS underfoot for ten years. Johnson and co. literally cheered and applauded themselves when their vote to restrict pay rises for nurses passed through Parliament.”

“The entire Tory 2019 election campaign was based on the notion of sending immigrants back where they come from, including hospital staff whom they categorised as ‘unskilled’.

“Hospital staff just like Jenny from New Zealand and Luis from Portugal, the pair Johnson says ‘saved his life’. The hypocrisy isn’t simply breath taking, it’s criminal.”

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