Darth Vader, scourge of the galaxy and Imperial warlord, has revealed plans to supply the British government with an almost limitless supply of Personal Protective Equipment in return for ‘eternal allegiance’ to the Galactic Empire.
The PPE suits, which are made from a white and black material unknown to Earth, will be distributed to NHS staff up and down the country.
Vader, who suffers from asthma and has become increasingly concerned about his own vulnerability to the Coronavirus, said in a press briefing, “it’s really the least we in the Empire can do. All we ask in return is complete and unreserved allegiance to the Emperor.”
The British public responded by calling for a weekly round of applause for Vader (154) who says the only stipulation is that Boris Johnson ‘let the Emperor know’ if any rebel forces show their faces on the planet.
Doctor Terry Barnsley, a health professional working in London’s new Nightingale hospital, welcomed the news, saying, “the suits are quite restrictive, but they certainly do the job. Not sure about the blasters, though. They seem quite dangerous. Although, having said that, some of my staff fired off a few shots and missed every time.”
A Rebel Alliance spokesman criticised Vader’s gift, however, saying, “if you think Covid 19 is bad, wait until Vader brings the Death Star within range.”
“Luckily, I hear you guys have a moon, so you’ll have a few crucial hours to organise an unlikely strike on the battle station’s weak spot, assuming, you know, you have a fleet of X-wings and some seriously talented pilots.”
Morticia Allen, an expert in online media and satirical news outlets, said, “this might appear to be in very poor taste, but really it’s just a bit of harmless comedy intended to raise a smile during a time when nobody really feels like smiling.”
Astronomer, Graham Peele agreed, saying, “comedy makes the world go round. Along with the gravitational effects of the sun and cosmic energy invested when the solar disc first formed.”
Meanwhile, Jed Carrington, an attorney at law who works almost exclusively for Disney Inc. said, “apart from the fact this isn’t in the slightest bit funny it contravenes more than one copyright clause and if it isn’t taken down the shit will hit the proverbial fan.”
Daily Shunt editor, Craig Broadbent responded, saying, “we checked and so long as you don’t say Star Wars, Sith Lord or Luke Skywalker Disney won’t shaft you.”
Carrington replied, “you just said all those things.”
Broadbent, who today lost his job at satirical news satire website, The Daily Shunt, released a stream of obscenities, calling co-workers ‘a bunch of humourless gobshites’ before admitting that he was in the wrong and liable for all and any mitigation which might result from his opinions which, in no way, represent the opinions of the Daily Shunt, its employees or related entities.