Press Fail to Notice Trump Replaced by Umpa Lumpa and a Satsuma

Trump has been accused of being disingenuous after he failed to show for three critical press conferences in a row, replacing himself with three different stand-ins.

The press failed to notice when Trump hired an Umpal Lumpa to take his place.

The press also failed to catch on when Trump was replaced with a satsuma during a second press conference and a third in which the US Premier was substituted by a bottle of Fanta.

Angela Dickinson, a CNN reporter, said, “Trump claims he was too busy to address the country on the Coronavirus crisis so his press secretary used a variety of locum tenens to take his place.”

Reporters from America’s most prestigious news rooms only twigged when Trump evaded a fourth appearance, replaced this time by a packet of Cheesy Wotsits.

NBC reporter, Donovan Fine, defended the press, saying, “to be fair, the Umpa Lumpa and the Cheesy Wotsits both had some really compelling answers to our questions and I think that’s why we started to smell a rat.”

Americans won’t know what Cheesy Wotsits are

Trump has been using his daily press briefings as an excuse to ‘big himself up’ and polish his own ego.

Yesterday he told the cameras, “I’m number one on Facebook, which I think is nice” as millions of Americans faced a looming and deadly health crisis, unprecedented in their lifetimes.

Critics of the US President, whose followers worship him as a ‘drainer of swamps’ and ‘melter of snowflakes’ have started referring to the press briefings as ‘The Trump Show’.


His advocates, on the other hand, continue to make the President proud. Yesterday a horde of pro-Trump gun enthusiasts and general nut jobs took to the streets en-masse in Lansing Michigan to protest against lock-down measures.

Ignoring social distancing guidelines and sporting ‘Make America Great Again’ hats and chanting, “Orange Man Good!” the protesters raged against Governor Whitmer’s decision to go against Trump and insist on a state wide lock-down.

Trump supporters ‘making America great again’ by spreading a lethal virus

Elaine Kamarck, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution in Washington, said of Trump, “he’s an idiot.”

While Ashish Jha, director of the Harvard Global Health Institute, said: “This is an unmitigated disaster… and I don’t say this lightly.”

On Tuesday Trump addressed Senate Republicans (a group who, in the past, have said they would agree to increasing Trump’s tenure as President by 20 years) promising them, “we’re doing a great job with it. And it will go away. Just stay calm. It will go away.”

A day later, Dr Anthony Fauci, the Federal government’s top public health expert, testified, “bottom line, it’s going to get worse.”

Dr Anthony Fauci (right), a packet of Cheesy Wotsits (left)

Just last week, when asked to confirm his position on the Coronavirus, Trump changed the subject by announcing he intends to ‘mine the moon’ for valuable resources.

This week Trump has further enraged sane-people across the United States by announcing his intention to put World Wrestling star Vince McMahon and a host of other sports managers in charge of rebooting the American economy.

NBC reporter Peter Alexander asked Trump, “What do you say to Americans who are scared?”

Instead of offering reassurances, Trump answered, “I say that you’re a terrible reporter. Let me just tell you something. That’s really bad reporting.”


Meanwhile, the Umpa Lumpa has considered running for President alongside Joe Biden, a man many say has all the hallmarks of being ‘only slightly more intelligent and less sleazy’ than his predecessor.

The Charlie and the Chocolate Factory star will face some stiff competition, however, as the packet of Cheesy Wotsits have also set their sights on Capitol Hill.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s