UK government experts are saying the Coronavirus curve is finally flattening despite having no idea what they’re talking about.
A government insider said, “using a mixture of gut feelings, hunches and tingly feelings in their tummies, expert advisers are certain the time has come to get the economy… er, I mean people’s lives back to normal.”
The experts deferred to figures and data to support their assertions that the curve is flattening, but a rudimentary examination of those figures reveals those assertions are ‘an enormous pile of shit’.
The number of people tested as of 13th April was recorded as 367,667 and, as of 9am on Wednesday, the Department of Health said there were 98,476 confirmed cases in the UK. Daily testing has fallen in recent days.
With around 64.4 million people living in the UK, 367,667 represents just 0.5% of the population.
With just 0.5% of individuals tested, even the most clairvoyant expert cannot possibly calculate how far-spread the infection rate is, nor whether infections are focused more in one part of the country than any other.
A government statement on March 18 said testing would be ramped up to 25,000 a day “within four weeks”. The government have failed to achieve this target by more than half.
Meanwhile, the current death toll exceeds 13,000 with more than 870 deaths in the last 24 hours.
However, current data fails to include deaths in care homes, deaths outside hospitals and deaths where permission was not given by bereaved families to include their lost relative in recorded data
(Leaked reports from doctors working on the frontline suggest these signatures are often not acquired simply because staff don’t have the time to chase them up).
Examination of reports coming out of local authority controlled care homes suggest there may be as much as one Coronavirus related death there for every officially registered death in hospitals, and this doesn’t even cover private care homes.
This relatively conservative estimate would increase the formal death toll to 26,000, with 1,740 deaths in the last 24 hours alone.
Regardless of the facts and figures freely available to anyone with access to Google, experts continued to insist they could see a light at the end of the tunnel today.
Professor Neil Ferguson from Imperial College London said: “I would like to see action accelerated. We need to put in place an infrastructure, a command and control structure, a novel organisation for [an exit strategy].”
Nicola Sturgeon, First Minister for Scotland, was in agreement, saying the coming week would see her government formulate a plan to ease lock down restrictions.
Meanwhile, Matt Hancock, Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, said that the number of deaths is still ‘far too high’ to consider setting out an exit strategy, confirming suspicions that he has accidentally been swapped with a sensible version of himself from a parallel dimension.