Illuminati Accused of Running Pyramid Scheme

The global secret society known as the Illuminati have been accused by the Global Ethics Institute (GEI) of running an ‘immoral’ pyramid scheme.

Hans Marlow, recently deceased head of the GEI’s globalisation division, said last week, “a pyramid scheme recruits members by promising rewards for enrolling others into the scheme.”

“Rather than supplying investment or consumables, the scheme makes a very small number at the top of the pyramid super wealthy. As the pyramid grows, recruiting becomes impossible, and most members are unable to profit. This is the structure of the so-called Illuminati.”

Money, which the Illuminati are said to control – a theory most refute as unsubstantiated

Count Charles-Emmanuel Lannes de Montebello Rothschild, a prominent member of the Illuminati, yesterday addressed the accusation while hiding in plain sight in a park in Stevenage:

“This allegation is nonsense. A pyramid scheme is unsustainable and created to collapse. Those who instigate the scheme know that members, unable to profit, will inevitably quit the scheme. Our model is clearly sustainable as none of our members ever quit. Ever.”

Famous R&B singer, Beyonce Knowles, who was cloned by the Illuminati in the year 2000 and replaced by a more vigorous copy, also refuted the GEI’s charge.

Beyonce Knowles was cloned because ‘the original didn’t have good enough nostril flare’

Responding to a reporter in Las Vegas’s famous pyramid hotel, The Luxor, Knowles said:

“The Illuminati are not running a pyramid scheme. It’s more like a trans-national network operating from a central power base, with dependent branches in every major country overseeing a substructure which is, in turn, dependent on the secondary level for an income.”

“In my book that’s more of a web than a pyramid.”


Knowles, who flashed pyramid hand signals throughout the interview and sported a gigantic golden eye in a pyramid on a gold chain around her tremendously muscular neck, added:

“The kind of idiots who get involved in pyramid schemes know what they’re getting into. Every part of the Illuminati structure beneath each nation’s controlling branch is oblivious of the role they play – even at governmental levels – so no, it’s not the same thing at all.”

Representatives from the Trilateral Commission visiting GEI offices on Friday

GEI members came under criticism from a glut of prominent organisations, including the Club of Rome, the Council on Foreign Relations, Skull and Bones and the Trilateral Commission.

Bill Gates, the CEO of Microsoft who also runs the Bohemian Club’s Eugenecist’s Fun Run Committee, said at a recent masked ball and sacrificial orgy, “this kind of irresponsible allegation just makes the Illuminati look like some amateurish Nigerian scammer when, in fact, it’s very professional.”


Calls for the GEI’s findings to come under public scrutiny have been dismissed as impractical. Acting Attorney for the Bildeberg Group, this afternoon released a statement saying:

“An independent enquiry chaired by Elon Musk and Bill Clinton at the Trans-Planetary Centre on Mars, has already found the GEI’s allegations to be wholly untrue.”

However, the enquiry said that members of the public can still have their say by making a small payment via the Illuminati’s website. This fee can be recouped by recruiting others to make similarly small payments from which commission can subsequently be earned.

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