Tories to Shoot Panda in Hyde Park, Public Say ‘Now Not the Time to Judge’

The Conservative party today announced their intentions to shoot a panda with a high powered rifle in London’s Hyde Park.

Dominic Raab, who will wield the weapon, has stepped up to the plate to shoot the panda while Michael Gove will merely bludgeon a dolphin to death with a baseball bat and Priti Patel will club a seal using a length of wood with a nail driven through the end.

Raab has not yet settled on a choice of scope

The decision to slay endangered animals and turn Hyde Park into a bloodbath was met with harsh criticism from the opposition and left-wing communities today, but the majority of the public seemed unconcerned, flocking to social media to offer their support for a government who, they say, can do no wrong.

Donna Sharp, a retired company director who voted Tory in the 2019 election, said, “I expect the lefties will turn this into another way to score points. As far as I’m concerned the government are doing a great job, but regardless of what you think about the Conservatives, now is not the time to get political.”

Others agreed, including Rod Barnett, a retired 62 year old mechanical engineer from Bradford who said, “I’d like to see what bloody Corbyn would have done better. I suppose the weak wristed liberal wouldn’t even know how to hold a gun, wield a baseball bat or club an innocent seal to death.”


The sentiment was matched in today’s edition of the Sun whose page 1 headline read ‘Raab Refuses to Panda to the Left’. In his front page article, Derek McGriffiths wrote, “the only animals here are the raving loony Corbynistas who should have been clubbed into a bloody pulp years ago.”

McGriffiths went on, “Denouncing every little thing Raab, Gove and Patel do is simply political point scoring.”

Later on in the same article McGriffiths took the time to wish Boris Johnson all the best, saying “get well soon BoJo, you’re the best PM since Churchill and you know it!”

The ITV News Facebook page was today awash with over 60s lending their vote of confidence in the government and supporting the slaughter of defenceless animals in one of London’s most famous landmarks.


Margaret Poulter, a retired shopkeeper from Southbourne Dorset, said, “and I suppose Labour would have let these dangerous animals live freely and wander around London killing people! Of course not! It’s always good to have the benefit of hindsight, when the other Party has the problem!”

Arthur Cooper, a retired golfer and keen fisherman, said, “when I was young those in power always had the opposition trying to bring the government down so they could get themselves into power, but nowadays it seems people actually believe every word of the opposition regardless! Now is not the time to judge the Tories. They’re doing a bang up job!”

Meanwhile, Clive Plummer, a retired marketing director from Sussex said, “thank God it’s not that commie Corbyn in charge or we’d all be in the Gulag by now breaking stones with a pickaxe while gay and transexual prison guards whip us into submission and demand we change our gender.”

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