People Who Say “You Missed a Bit Mate” to be Deported Without Trial

The government have announced measures to deport people who say “you missed a bit mate” to someone painting the outside of their house, a garden fence or a wooden window surround in an effort to clamp down on a rise in assholes.

A government spokesman said today, “we’re deporting, without trial and without censure, anyone who says ‘you missed a bit mate’ but also anyone who says ‘you can do mine next’ to a neighbour washing their car.

“We will unleash the full force of the law on these people.”

The majority of those deported are expected to be males of a ‘certain age’

Others who are likely to be added to the new ‘toxic humour’ list of public-enemies in the coming weeks are likely to include those who say ‘lovely day isn’t it?’ when it’s raining.

Also at risk will be those who say ‘did you enjoy your trip?’ when somebody stumbles and ‘they look like they’re taking you for a walk’, when passing somebody walking more than one dog at a time.

Some of the expressions accompanying common ‘quips’ which police say are ‘unacceptable’

Clare Haughey, the Minister for Mental Health, defended the draconian move, saying, “people who say things like ‘are you having some chips with your ketchup’ when somebody else is applying an excessive amount of ketchup to their plate are dragging down the collective mood of this country.”

“The worst offenders tend to be males over a certain age who, lost in a nightmarish world of ceaseless dad jokes, are no longer capable of functioning in normal society. We are referring to such people as insufferable knob heads.”

Ted Dale, head of the British Organisation for the Promotion of Dad Jokes, today released a rebuttal to the government’s plan saying, “this is totally unacceptable, are you people nuts? Because if you are, hi people nuts, I’m Ted Dale!”

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