President and top scientist, Donald Trump, who knows a thing or two and is really great when it comes to knowing about this sort of thing, really really great, has suggested his scientific advisors try injecting sick patients with nuclear warheads in a bid to kill the Coronavirus.
Trump explained that he ‘may not be a doctor’ but he knows about these things because he’s very intelligent, really the most intelligent, everybody knows, told highly trained, qualified and experienced medical researchers they should try ‘nuking’ the virus from inside the body.
Yesterday, Trump advised the same scientists to try irradiating patients using UV light and then suggested that a lethal injection of bleach or similar disinfectant into the bodies of those suffering from Covid 19 would destroy the virus.
In his latest Coronavirus task force briefing, Trump said, “I’m not a doctor. But I’m, like, a person that has a good you-know-what.”
Political analyst Lucy Thatcher commented, “at first I thought he meant his penis, but I think he was talking about his brain, which may be equally horrifying.”
Pulmonologist Dr Vin Gupta told NBC News: “This notion of injecting or ingesting any type of cleansing product into the body is irresponsible and it’s dangerous.”
“It’s a common method that people utilise when they want to kill themselves.”
Many critics of Trump today called for him to put his money where his mouth is and down a bottle of bleach at his next press conference, but those close to the President say he isn’t worried about catching the Coronavirus.
Trump has famously said he won’t wear a mask because it’s ‘not for him’ and that he has “a really really great physical… you know… the best stamina and have never even been to a gym, ask anyone, everyone knows it. I can’t be beat when it comes to the fitness.”
A crowd of cheering well wishers today convened in one of the southern states, we forget which, wearing Make America Great Again caps and shooting guns into the air in celebration of Trump’s decisive solution to the virus.
Jed Hutch, a 54 year old prepper from Arkansas, said, “Trump is the only one who knows what needs to be done. He’ll blow this God damn Coronavirus off the face of this God damn planet.”
Asked if he would be taking any of Trump’s advice, Hutch said, “sure I will. Got my bleach and syringe all ready back at the trailer and I’m gonna spend the next 24 hours on a sunbed just to be sure.”