Part-time Prime Minister and habitual fridge inspector, Boris Johnson and his fiancee Carrie Symonds today announced the birth of a baby boy whom they intend to name ‘Rona Cummings Rugger Johnson-Symonds’.
Johnson, who has four hundred and twenty three children by other women, said he intends to take some parental leave later in the year, adding in his usual upbeat manner, ‘this time that doesn’t mean I’ll become a parent and leave.’
The child, who today became the youngest Tory in the country, is also only the fourth baby to be born to a Prime Minister in office in 170 years (assuming Johnson hasn’t sired any extra children since the 2019 election).
The Daily Telegraph announced that “Mister Johnson and Ms Symmonds are ‘thrilled’ by the arrival of a bouncing baby boy.”
The Prime Minister took time out from a meeting discussing how to covertly privatise the NHS after the lock-down ends today in order to thank NHS staff for both delivering his baby and saving his life in the space of the same month.”
The meeting follows announcements this week that families of NHS staff who die as a result of contracting Covid 19 will receive a payment of £60,000.
The payout, which is equivalent to pension payments the deceased would have been entitled to after retirement anyway, has been hailed as a ‘Churchillian move’ by the Prime Minister, with Tory MPs calling for Johnson to be knighted as a result.
Supporters of the Tories up and down the country today demanded a minute’s silence and simultaneous clapping as a way to welcome the newborn addition to their cult.
Barry Sedgewick, a retired builder from Rotherham and lifelong Tory voter who we just made up, said, “Boris and co. have shown the world how it’s done by coming third place in the highest global death toll. It’s a shame we couldn’t put in that extra effort and make second or even first place, but this is an unprecedented crisis and the government has done its best.”
Sedgewick added (grudgingly), “and big congratulations to the happy couple. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter where your politics lie, a new life is a new life, so I for one wish them all the best for the future.”