British Public Wake in Cold Sweat at 3am to Remember Brexit is a Thing

The entire British public woke in a cold sweat in the early hours of Thursday morning when they suddenly realised nobody has talked about Brexit for at least two months.

The hive-mind moment led to many people being late for work, missing alarms and pouring apple juice on their Crunchy Nut Cornflakes instead of milk.

Theresa Jennings, a 34 year old mum of three, said, “I was having a nightmare about Nigel Farage when I suddenly sat bolt upright in bed and wondered, what the hell is happening with Brexit?”

Some flags last night

John Turnbridge, a 41 year old builder from East Sussex described a similar experience, “you know that feeling you get when you’re just drifting off and you suddenly feel like you’re falling into a hole, I had that. Then I woke up and thought, ‘shit, I haven’t had an opinion on Brexit since late February.”

Millions of Facebook statuses this morning simply said ‘Brexit?’ as befuddled Brits, reminded by their night-time wake up call, remembered that Brexit is the single most important subject in the history of everything.

“All this Coronavirus malarkey has clouded my thoughts recently,” Bill Axeminster, a 50 year old plumber from Carlisle said, “and I completely forgot that Brexit is such an urgent and divisive topic which we should all be arguing about.”


Pete Tipple, a 44 year old Taxi driver from Barnstaple, said, “I’m going to make an effort to get into at least one session of abusive discourse on social media with a lefty snowflake every day from now on. I feel so ashamed for letting myself slip like this.”

It turns out that Brexit is still going ahead as planned, with Downing Street steadfastly insisting there will be no change to the negotiating timetable as a result of the Ronas.

Items on the agenda for this week’s talks include aviation, law enforcement, energy, data protection, foreign policy and governance.

Three of the most high-profile, and most contentious, issues they will discuss will be around financial services, the trade of goods and fisheries.

Alan Kettering, a 28 year old marketing planner from Salisbury, said, “I just realised I don’t really care anymore. It makes you wonder if the constant barrage of Brexit, Brexit, Brexit forced on us by the media made it seem more important than it actually was. This virus puts it all in perspective a bit, doesn’t it.”

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