Matt Hancock’s Mum to Attend Parliament in Case of ‘More Mean Girls’

Matt Hancock, the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, is to be accompanied in any future Parliamentary sessions by his mum after a ‘mean girl’ used a tone he didn’t like and made him feel sad.

The precaution comes after Dr Allin-Khan, shadow mental health minister and a doctor at St George’s Hospital in Tooting, south London, presented Hancock with some troubling facts:

“Frontline workers like me have had to watch families break into pieces as we deliver the very worst of news to them: that the ones they love most in this world have died.

“The testing strategy has been non-existent. Community testing was scrapped, mass testing was slow to roll out and testing figures are now being manipulated.”

Doctor Allin-Khan asking her outrageously aggressive question in a very normal tone of voice

Hancock asked the mean doctor to watch her tone before forging bravely onward to completely deny everything the frontline doctor said, simultaneously dismissing her comments as ‘untrue I’m afraid.’

Hancock’s mum, Mrs Hancock, told newspaper reporters today, “Matty-Moo came home in floods of tears and told me a mean girl had made him lie in front of the nation.”

Mrs Hancock said her son laid his head on her chest as she stroked his hair and said,

“I didn’t want to do it mummy, but that horrible doctor made me. You understand don’t you mummy? It’s not my fault all those poorly people died. They should’ve been more careful, don’t you think mummy?”

Hancock ‘writes poetry to get through his day’

Mrs Hancock will now accompany her son in Parliament, sitting alongside him with a stern expression on her face and her arms folded to dissuade any more ‘tarts who have big ideas about themselves’ from ‘speaking out of turn’.

While washing her front doorstep, Mrs Hancock told reporters:

“Girls as doctors? What will they think of next?! I expect she was on her period. She should have some kids and find a decent husband.It’s obvious she fancies my handsome Moo Moo and is just trying to get his attention.”


The news follows rumours that Matt Hancock was found sobbing in the locker room at Westminster. #

A Number 10 insider said, “he was blubbing and for a while we couldn’t get much out of him, but then he confessed that he’d been bullied by a mean girl in Parliament.”

Priti Patel immediately rushed to Hancock’s side to comfort him during his difficult time.

The insider said, “Priti was great.”

“She’s a very caring, conscientious pacifist who loves all things and especially nature, baby deers and sunsets at the beach, so she was the perfect person to give Matt a friendly hug.”

The government are considering bringing a charge of bullying, intimidation and attempted murder against Dr Allin-Khan who they accused today of being racist, anti-semitic, sexist and secretly gay.

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