The residents of Skegness have reportedly turned feral during the Coronavirus lock down with werewolves, vampires, cultists and one-eyed mutants called Bubba said to be straying into neighbouring towns.
The army today announced it has lost control of the border between Skegness and ‘normal dimensional space’, with units retreating to a safe distance.
Meanwhile, the government is said to be considering the use of nuclear weapons to ‘cleanse’ the region in order to save the rest of the country.
As members of the public this week responded to a slight easing of lock down measures by swarming into the Peak District, Cornwall and other British beauty spots, the muddy beaches and scorched earth of Skegness remained largely derelict of all but the country’s most retired citizens.
Secretary of State for Defence, Ben Wallace, today met with the Queen and a Chiefs of Staff committee headed by Sir Nicholas Carter to discuss a full tactical retreat and the possible use of a Trident nuclear warhead to remove the threat posed by Skegness.
Wallace said in a press statement prior to the meeting, “we are at a critical stage in the defence of the realm. Residents of Skegness are believed to be attempting to raise Cthulhu from the dead city of R’lyeh after ‘getting bored’ with wicker men, burning witches and summoning demons.”
Plans to deploy a nuclear weapon on home soil in the midst of the already devastating Coronavirus outbreak initially met with resistance from the British press who later reversed their opinion when they learned the target would be Skegness.
Times editor, Arthur Mercurial, said, “on the face of it, risking radioactive fallout and nuclear winds across major parts of the country might seem perilous, but we’re talking about getting rid of Skegness once and for all. I think the risk is worth the reward.”
But Wallace warned, “even if we do fall back on this drastic measure it might not solve the problem altogether. Great Yarmouth will still exist, for example.”