The Independent Office for Police Conduct (IOPC) finally released a verdict today on its scoping investigation into allegations that Genghis Khan slaughtered millions of Eurasians and put their heads on pikes.
The investigation, which has taken the IOPC approximately eight hundred years to complete, found that Khan was not guilty of sweeping across the Eurasian continent, killing millions of innocent civilians and impaling them on pikes or dragging them through the dirt behind his chariot.
Khan will subsequently not face criminal prosecution despite being dead since the early thirteenth century.
The announcement comes on the same day the IOPC announced that Prime Minister Boris Johnson will also not face further action over alleged misconduct during his term as Mayor of London.
After an in-depth review which took eight months and required investigators at the IOPC reduce their lunch hour from seven hours to six, the institution – which purports to hold government officials to account – said there was no case for criminal prosecution.
Johnson was referred to the watchdog in September 2019 after gifting amateur lap dancer and ‘tech expert’ Jennifer Arcuri thousands of pounds in public money.
The large sums given to Arcuri helped her to establish a tech company which never appeared to offer any technical services but did provide ample speaking platforms for Johnson and a gaggle of American right-wing activists.
The London Mayor’s office also awarded Arcuri a place on trade missions to New York and Tel Aviv in the company of Johnson after she was initially dismissed as a candidate for failing to meet the criteria of being in any way qualified.
IOPC director general, Michael Lockwood was rumoured to be on his new yacht berthed in the Seychelles today, but managed to release a statement, saying:
“We found no evidence to indicate that Mr Johnson influenced the payment of any sponsorship monies to Ms Arcuri or that he influenced or played an active part in securing her participation in trade missions.”
Lockwood also denied that the IOPC had ‘dragged its heels’ over the investigation, holding back on an official release while the 2019 general election was underway in order to suppress any scandalous allegations.
Johnson, who was married at the time, has never publicly acknowledged having an affair with Arcuri but has never denied it either. Arcuri has also remained silent on the subject.