Anti-Vaxxers Fear Bill Gates Will Inject Vaccine Using Windows Update

Anti-vaxxers convinced that business magnate Bill Gates is trying to reduce world population by pushing for more vaccines today voiced their fears that the Microsoft co-founder may use ‘stealth methods’ to inject billions using a Microsoft Windows update.

Conspiracy theorists fear the update – a patch designed to fix security issues in Windows 10 – will include a hidden ‘upload’ which will cause vaccines containing bio-chips to seep from keyboard keys into the fingers of Windows users across the globe.

A Microsoft spokesman today denied the rumours were true, saying, “this latest patch has two primary purposes. The first is to fix a security issue which may leave some systems vulnerable to hackers.”

Windows updates, which are custom designed to shut down your computer when you’re in the middle of something vitally important.

“The second is to cause thousands of computers to crash and refuse to start up again for no discernible reason. There is no hidden vaccine. That’s just nonsense.”

Anti-vaxxers, a section of the population who believe vaccines contain hidden elements which can cause Autism and even death, believe Bill Gates is a eugenicist who wants to reduce the world population by killing as many people as possible.

Charity worker and an expert on third world poverty, Clara Dayfield said, “Gates has identified a correlation between poor health care in third world countries and population growth. When your children are unlikely to live longer than a few years, you have more children.”


“Gates is working to fix this by ploughing billions into vaccination programs and medical advancements. If your children live to a ripe old age and are able to look after you in your autumn years, you won’t have twelve kids, you’ll just have the standard western 2.4.”

“Bingo. Population growth managed. It’s genius, but anti-vaxxers, who have less than half a brain, don’t get the logic. They hear ‘population growth’ and leap from posit A to conclusion Z without passing Go or collecting £200.”

Conspiracy theorist and outspoken critic of the Bill Gates Foundation – which has $46.8 billion in assets and uses its fabulous wealth to improve health care and access to medical facilities in third world countries – claim Gates is a proven eugenicist and merely wants to kill as many babies as possible so he can feast on their souls and remain forever young.

Ted Brundle, a self-styled conspiracy theorist who believes Gates is using his money to murder a large swathe of the global population, refuted claims that Gates is a philanthropist of extraordinary scope, saying:

“Gates not only wants to inject us with bio-chips so we can all be tracked by the New World Order, he’s also not human. If you watch low quality Youtube videos of Gates speaking you’ll see that he transforms into a bizarre lizard like creature. Proof if proof were needed that we are all subjugated by alien descendants of the dinosaurs living in underground tunnels beneath Dallas airport.”

Ted Brundle, whom we suspect was using a pseudonym

Troy McFadden, an expert in videos and video effects, commented on Brundle’s claim, saying, “low resolution videos often contain artefacts where chunks of the screen fail to show properly because of file compression. Simple as that.”

Reptilian overlord and leader of the Illuminati, David Rockefeller, confirmed McFadden’s theory, saying, “there is no grand plan to euthanize 90% of the global population in order to cleanse the planet of human scum.”

“And even if there was we wouldn’t employ the help of a colossal nerd like Bill Gates. Windows updates have cause six of my computers to commit suicide over the last three years, so there’s no way I’d send any work his way. Anyway, we like to aim a bit higher. That is, we would if we did, which we don’t.”

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