Dominic Cummings, nefarious political adviser to the Tory government and mastermind behind Brexit and the 2019 Tory election victory, is rumoured to feature as a new monster in the latest edition of the Dungeons & Dragons roleplaying game.
An insider at Wizards of the Coast, who produce the popular tabletop RPG, hinted that Cummings was the inspiration behind the Wandering Goblin monster which will appear in the 6th Edition bestiary.
“The Wandering Goblin isn’t a tough opponent. In fact it’s pretty weedy,” the WotC game designer explained, “it has virtually no Strength or Charisma, but it does have a very high movement rate.”
The designer revealed the goblin sub-class comes from “the Land of Durham, which is not too far from The Kingdom of Doris in the realm of Greyhawk. Wandering Goblins live in narrow caves, so they’re very good at wriggling out of slippery situations.”
“They can also cast a spell which creates an illusion and deflects attention away from them. The illusion takes the shape of an ugly blonde-haired troll who cavorts around and says idiotic things to distract adventurers while the goblin gets up to his mischief unnoticed.”
Cummings today came under pressure to resign following revelations that he drove his wife and children 200 miles after testing positive for Coronavirus, flouting government guidance at the time and putting Cummings’ elderly parents at risk of contracting the deadly disease.
In a scathing article on the latest antics of the controversial adviser, political commentator and owner of the No, Actually That’s Bollocks blog, Marc [surname withheld by request] said:
“Cummings won’t go. He can’t go. Because if Cummings goes, the jig is up for the Conservatives. They’re fucked – on everything from policy to Brexit. Everything.
“Think back to February when Sajid Javid was sacked. He wasn’t sacked because he was ‘incompetent’ in the eyes of the Conservatives – he was sacked because he told Cummings to ‘do one’.”
Marc added, “Conservative voters have this idea – this strange idea – that Boris Johnson is the greatest Prime Minister since Churchill, and yet fail to grasp that, actually, Boris Johnson is, will be and always has been the distraction to the show that’s going on behind the scenes.”
“He’s the ‘man having a seizure attack’ on the street outside the jewellery shop while it’s being robbed.”
Tory back benchers who have become increasingly intolerant of Cummings in recent weeks may grasp this latest scandal as an opportunity to oust the ‘wandering goblin’ from their midst.
A Conservative back bencher who wished to remain anonymous, said, “Cummings has long been the lurking Ogre in Number 10. After Javid, Cummings levelled up above and beyond Parliamentary control. Since then, he’s been largely invulnerable, like a lich lord with infinite Hit Points and 6d20 Hit Dice.”
“But in the last five days, with this NHS surcharge debacle and a public increasingly losing faith in their government’s handling of the Coronavirus crisis, party unity has started to unravel. And as everyone who ever played D&D knows, you should never split the party.”
“The cracks of doom are ripe to widen. Front benchers will defend Cummings outrageous behaviour (and have spent much of today doing precisely that) because they know that if he goes, the ramparts will crumble, the drawbridge will open and their days will be numbered.”
“Even a Lich Lord can be turned into so much dust if you take away his loyal servants, cultists and magical powers.”
“The truth is that Cummings can no longer hide in his Fortress of Domination, relying on his bumbling wizard to appease the mob. Both he and Johnson are in line for a critical hit. TPK. Game over.”