Breaking: Matt Hancock Announces ‘Hang On, I’m Nearly There, Two Secs’

Matt Hancock, the man who coined the phrase ‘why do today what you can put off until next month, or the month after that’ has announced that he will be providing an update on shielding ‘very soon’, which could mean anything from later today to Novanuary 2023.

Charities in England have asked the government for clarity over when shielding measures are likely to end, but the ball has fallen squarely in Matt Hancock territory and there it remains, gathering moss and routinely ignored while Hancock has his fifth bath of the day and paints his nails.

Hancock – just another hour in bed mummy

Meanwhile, Hancock’s Track & Trace app, which most expected to be implemented across the country two weeks ago, won’t now be ready until September(ish). Hancock, who is currently exploring some new smoothie recipes while looking up ‘top ten pimple popping’ videos on Youtube, blamed everyone and everything but himself for the hold up.


Hancock’s most infamous dither and dally moment, the devastating delays on PPE for key health workers at the beginning, middle and end of the current wave of the crisis, likely led directly to the deaths of many NHS workers, doctors and nurses.

We asked Hancock if he would comment on that matter but were told he was busy using Google Maps to scroll along the coastline of Britain in order to ‘get a real sense of how large the country is’ and, thereafter, would be tied up trying to solve the Daily Mail suduko.

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