Matt Hancock, Tory mummy’s boy, gormless cabinet minister and serial liar, has been asked to organise the Conservative party’s annual summer shindig which, this year, will take place in the famous Fourpure Brewing Company in London.
Hancock, who is not yet old enough to drink, initially said that the party – which is traditionally a champagne-drenched affair and usually descends into debauchery and illegal sex acts – will definitely be ready by the end of June.
However, Hancock has since revised this estimate to October, saying that a number of unforeseen events prevented him from meeting the original timelines.
A government insider said that Hancock was determined to brew his own ‘craft ale’ for the party, insisting it would be better than anything on offer in the professional and highly celebrated brewery tap house. “Hancock said there would be no recourse to use the brewery’s own beer.”
It later emerged that Hancock was paying a large sum to a friend of Dominic Cummings who runs a brewery in Durham to produce the ‘home made’ brew. “The batch made by Cummings’ bezzie mate turned out to be utter shit,” the insider said, “so Hancock told everyone that there was a delay instead of owning up and telling us the truth.”
Hancock has since announced that he always intended to use the beer on offer at the brewery tap house and that the Cummings beer plan was merely a back up.
Today he revealed that, actually, none of that was true and that he’d perfected his ‘home brew’ with the help and partnership of the London based brewery.
Fourpure denied this, saying they had no idea who Matt Hancock was.
Tory ministers are said to be disgruntled by Hancock’s dither and delay tactics, but said they were still looking forward to the summer soiree (which will now take place in the autumn).
However, the insider said the real date for the party is more likely to fall some time around March 2021 as Hancock only just got Minecraft on his XBox One and is currently a little distracted.