Sunak to use own ‘Kickstart Jobs’ Initiative to Steal Boris Johnson’s Job

Rishi Sunak is said to be planning to use his own Kickstart Jobs scheme, designed to get younger people into work, to get himself into a new line of work as the next Prime Minister.

Sunak, who would be the first Asian Prime Minister, also unveiled plans during yesterday’s mini summer budget to waive stamp duty on house sales, a move which comes as he prepares to sell his house and move all his stuff into Number 10.


A Westminster insider said, “everyone knows Rishi is going to be the next PM. Boris is about as popular as genital warts, so it’s only a matter of time before he gets the boot. Rishi has already organised a big piss up meal at London’s swankiest restaurant to celebrate and, of course, we’ll all get 50% off our dinner and champagne. He thought of everything in that little budget of his.”

Political commentator Dave Halpin said, “Sunak, who is currently the Chancellor of the Exchequer, is touted to be Britain’s next PM partly because of his youthful good looks – which will appeal to all the grannies who obsessively vote Tory – and his ruthless Toryism.”

“This is a man who worked in hedge funds during the height of the 2007-2008 global financial crisis. He was literally one of those ‘greedy bankers’ everyone wanted to lynch from the nearest lamp post. In terms of ‘being a terrible person’ he has Tory Prime Minister written all over him.”

Johnson listening to Sunak talk about ‘younger people getting better jobs’ and wondering if there might be a subtext

“Being Asian will certainly help with Sunak’s rise to the top. Anyone who opposes him can expect to be labelled racist, while anyone who supports him can claim ‘Not Racist, I Supported Sunak for PM Didn’t I?’ at every turn. Johnson – a transparent closet racist – has already used his support for Priti Patel and Sunak as proof positive that he cannot possibly be racist.”

“Yet you need only examine the litany of racist remarks over the course of Johnson’s career to disprove this assertion. He’s effectively using the ethnicity of his own cabinet ministers to further his own image, which is pretty cynical and very horrible no matter how you spin it.”

“Will an Asian PM reduce racism in Tory rhetoric and policy? We can but hope. We have a precedent of sorts in the form of Priti Patel, a woman whose hatred for immigrants and minority groups is now legendary, so perhaps we should not hold our breath. However, Sunak is a different kettle of fish compared with the villainous Patel, so let’s not give up all hope just yet.”

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