Tim Martin, the multi-millionaire owner of disgraced pub chain Wetherspoons, has been warned by doctors that his tiny face is shrinking by the day and will soon disappear altogether unless he stops being a colossal cockwaffle.
The alarming decline in Tim Martin’s face, which is already miniscule compared with the size of his melon, is believed to correlate directly with a reduction in public support for his Wetherspoons chain of watering holes.
Wetherspoons pubs, covering nearly 900 branches across the country, were closed on 20th March when the government implemented a nationwide lock down in response to the coronavirus crisis.
Tim Martin caused outrage by refusing to pay furloughed workers from that date until government grants covering 80% of wages kicked in. Wetherspoons staff were further dismayed when Martin – who purportedly sleeps on a mattress stuffed with £100 notes, call girls and mashed potato – urged his workers to take ‘part-time’ supermarket jobs to cover themselves during the shortfall.
As pubs reopened last weekend, Wetherspoons – which is known for its cheap beer and ‘bargain hunting’ clientele – kicked off a return to normality by hosting a bar fight which made news the next day. Despite this, the pub chain has implemented an £11 million social distancing scheme which includes screens, deep cleaning and staff training.
Doctors say Tim Martin’s face started to contract when his unethical treatment of Wetherspoons staff made the news in late March. Doctor Frank Garibaldi, a facial dimensions expert at the Queen Elizabeth University Hospital, said:
“Tim Martin’s face already resembled a postage stamp stuck to a water melon, even before he started shafting his own underpaid staff up the arse. Since news of his money-grubbing came to light people have been boycotting Wetherspoons and this seems to be having some kind of holistic effect on Mister Martin’s diminutive mug.”
“We estimate that if Mister Martin continues to treat his staff and customers with contempt his face could shrink to a size that would only be visible under a microscope.”
Doctor Garibaldi was uncertain about a cure for Tim Martin’s rare condition but suggested a show of remorse, a public apology and a big fat post-coronavirus bonus paid to all staff might stop the shrinkage.
“I think the ball is in Mister Martin’s court. Unfortunately, while he is deeply concerned about his boat race, Mister Martin is a tremendous bell end and is unlikely to make the connection between doing the right thing and keeping his customers. He’s more likely to just reduce the price of a fried breakfast and water down the Fosters a bit more.”