As Russia Report Pends, Press Remind Comrades that today is Jack Charlton’s Funeral

The long awaited, but almost certainly not very significant, Russia Report, which has been understandably collecting dust in a Westminster filing cabinet for two years on account of not being very interesting and really, altogether, rather a dull read, has finally been released.

The report, which was heavily redacted by the Intelligence and Security Committee, has been described as ‘some paper with words on’ by the ISC who also went on to say that it was possible in some small ways that the UK government had maybe ‘taken its eye off the ball’ a bit over Russia.

Comrades across the nation have been urged not to waste too much time worrying about the report, however, and have been reminded by the UK media that today is the funeral of footy legend Jack Charlton. The press are also keen to remind fellow ‘товарищи’ that today in 1682, the famous French astronomer Jean Picard (born in La Flèche, France) was born.

The British public are being urged to think about this picture of Emma Watson every time they feel they might start thinking about the so-called Russia Report, which isn’t really a report but more of a sort of pamphlet and not very meaningful in the greater scheme of things.

Moreover, the divorce proceedings of movie star, Johnny Depp have taken another surprising turn. Amber Heard has insisted she had visible injuries on her face the day after her former husband, star of Pirates of the Caribbean and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, allegedly assaulted her in their Los Angeles penthouse.

The Russia Report, which is being denounced by critics as a ‘большой жирный waste of time’, is likely now to be returned to a filing cabinet in the basement of an undisclosed building somewhere in Chernobyl where it will be consigned to history as all the best things are.


A number 10 spokesperson today said, “it’s all a fuss about nothing, just as we said it would be. We in the government are far more worried about this concerning report that thieves in Yorkshire have dismantled and stolen an entire building. Have you seen this? Apparently thieves nicked an entire lean-to from the side of a sports centre. Jeremy Corbyn pretty much is a Russian anyway.”

Until the ISC released their watered down version of the Russia Report, the government were largely unavailable for comment, with most of the cabinet said to be overseas and Boris Johnson’s location described as ‘in his dacha’. However, once the report was released and deemed to be largely не опасные для, the government started popping up all over Westminster with relieved grins on their faces.

Comrade Matt Hancock, who was one of the first to approach the press, insisted, “we haven’t been keeping a low profile. We were just glued to the news about Breaking Bad actor Johnny Ortiz being arrested for attempted murder. Have you seen this? It’s unbelievable. He was in the Breaking Bad movie and now he’s up on an attempted murder charge. Anyway, Jeremy Corbyn is the true Russian threat around these parts. That’s something worth considering.”

The evil one. Corbyn, riding a Russian made bike and wearing a Russian made red hat while speaking Russian

Comrade Dominic Raab also made a statement, saying, “I think we should all focus on what’s important and that’s this story about girls being informally excluded at a higher rate than boys from some schools in England. Have you seen this?”

“Apparently, research shows that girls are being excluded through moves to other schools or early exit, which means they leave before the end of year 11 but do not finish school elsewhere. It’s definitely something everyone should be talking about and I’m glad you brought it up because one person who isn’t being very vocal about it is Jeremy Corbyn. I wonder why? Could it be because he’s too busy fretting about this Russia Report revealing him to be a commie red?”

Suggestions that UK politics, news media, business and other crucial sectors of society across and throughout the UK have all been directly influenced and subverted by Russian inflitration, and that the extent of Russian interference in British infrastructure may now be so great that the very future of democracy is at stake, was met with derision in politics, media business and other crucial sectors of society this afternoon.

Starting to think about the Russia Report? Look… a clown! Ha ha. Isn’t he cool. A very British, very patriotic, very lovely clown.

Comrade Leshev Ignatiy Valentinovich, a self-styled oligarch from Barnsley, said, “zis news is simply hyperbole from certain fanatical members of left. Let us not forget, dear comrade, zat it is left who propose ze return to Bolshevism viz ze communist traitor Jeremy Corbyn in 2019.”

Speaking from his sprawling mansion as he smoked a cigar and stroked the fur of a white cat sitting in his lap, Valentinovich added, “imagine, dear comrade, vot United Kingdom of Britain vould be like now if Soviet traitor Corbyn had managed get into power. Ve vould be living under red flag viz hammer and sickle. Ve vould be in gulag and vould only be able dream of glorious nation under comrade Boris Johnson.”


Johnson, seen entering number 10 at lunch time in a thick overcoat and Cossack hat, reportedly on his way to a daily lunchtime vodka and chess meeting with Dominic Cummings, is said to be ‘unsurprised’ that the report is a damp squib and of no interest to the British media as his government have always had a policy of ‘glasnost’.

An insider said, “Boris is far more worried about news reports that Bournemouth is facing a litter crisis. Have you seen this? It’s gotten really bad apparently. Something needs to be done about it. The PM will be putting some serious leg work in on the issue this afternoon, which is more than can be said for Jeremy Corbyn who will no doubt be spending the afternoon murdering kittens and punching old age pensioners in the face.”

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