After failing to attract any applicants for their £100,000 per year press spokesman position, the government have announced they will be offering the role to convicted felons as an alternative to life in prison and bottom rape. So far, all convicts approached have chosen bottom rape.
Boris Johnson (the worst Prime Minister of all time) launched the search for a Presidential-style spokesman to speak on his behalf in televised press conferences last week. Mysteriously, nobody stepped forward for the role, leading to the latest attempt to fill the vacancy.
A government spokesman, who (ironically) resigned on Friday because he doesn’t want to be blamed for Coronavirus, said, “the position essentially needs someone with no self respect, no family, no future and no hope of redemption. Such people don’t exist in the usual unemployment pool, so Boris has decided to send feelers out into the convicted murderer pool.”
The job, which requires an innocent party stand in front of the UK press and present the face of outrageously stupid government policy, follows American protocol in which a press secretary serves as a buffer between a President high on his own ego and copious amounts of drugs and the people who actually voted to put him where he is.
Political commentator, Dave Halpin said, “nobody in their right mind (and most not in their right mind) would go for this position. They’d be delivering the nonsensical insanity that passes for Tory policy to the British public and would incur all the disbelief, outrage and wrath normally associated with that process.”
Matt Hancock, who recently realised he was too dim to be an actual MP, is rumoured to be considering the position as an alternative to working in Burger King.
Johnson’s detractors have asked why, if the Prime Minister’s existence is merely to act as the public face for Dominic Cummings’s megalomania, he can’t perform the job himself?
A Tory spokesman explained why, saying: “Johnson was given leadership of the Conservative party because most assumed he was the ideal distracting clown. But Johnson has become a liability. His usual brand of Eton buffoonery, bluster and inappropriate jokes about gay people and Muslims might sit well with bigoted voters, but Covid-19 changed all that.”
“The British public are tired of Johnson. He no longer serves any purpose other than to look stupid and impregnate random women.”
“Cummings is a sociopath who needs to lurk in the shadows. A good patsy is crucial to his agenda and Johnson no longer fits the bill. He needs to go, but in the meantime, nobody in their right mind – not even Cummings (who hasn’t been in his right mind since birth) would put the idiot on a podium in front of the British media.”
The advert for the job states: “You will represent the Government and the Prime Minister to an audience of millions on a daily basis, across the main broadcast channels and social media, and have the chance to influence and shape public opinion.”
The spokesman said, “what the job advert doesn’t stipulate is that the representative will also be liable for every FUBAR this government makes. And that’s a lot of FUBARs. What we need is a dimwitted face to take the blame while everyone else hides in Westminster. Apparently, job seekers have seen through the ruse, so we’re falling back on the tried and tested ‘make the convicts do it’ strategy.”
Graham ‘Brick Face’ Francis, a convicted drug dealer, multiple murderer and distant relative of the Kray twins, was offered the position after being handed down six life sentences on Thursday. He said, “I may be a psychopath but I’m not an idiot. I turned down the offer. Thankfully, the Tories contacted me after and offered me the role of heath secretary, so it turned out all right in the end.”