Matt Hancock Socially Distances Himself From His Brain

Matt Hancock appeared on BBC Breakfast this morning to announce that he has decided to social distance himself from his own brain.

Evidence of the decision was revealed when Hancock declared that two households within Greater Manchester – which is now designated as a high risk area – could not meet each other, but that households from high risk areas (such as Greater Manchester) could travel to meet with households in low-risk areas provided they “obviously, follow social distancing rules.”

The nonsensical advice, which appears to suggest that those likely to be infected with Covid-19 should not mix with other people who are likely to be infected with Covid-19 but are free to mix with people who are unlikely to be infected, was described by commentators as “idiotic.”

C/o No, Actually, That’s Bollocks Facebook page

Hancock’s gormless announcement comes as Boris Johnson prepares to make his latest handbrake turn on easing lock down measures amid concerns of a second wave outbreak.

Despite being warned that a second wave would occur if pubs, shops, restaurants and public spaces were reopened two weeks ago, and despite having access to a report explaining the measures government should take to avoid a second wave, Johnson has only just admitted that it may be time to “squeeze the brakes.”

Speaking at a Downing Street press conference, the country’s ‘worst ever’ prime minister said he was pausing the reopening of leisure businesses, such as casinos and bowling alleys, and preventing beauty salons resuming close-up treatments, for at least two weeks.

Scientific advisers say these measures will do little to slow a resurgence of the virus, with Leicester and the north of England already seeing a return to lock-down.

The government’s former Chief Scientist, Sir David King, who chairs the scientific group Independent Sage described the easing of lock down as “not a wise move” and “extraordinarily risky.” He went on to compare the re-opening of pubs and shops as ‘driving in the dark with no lights’.

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