Record Number of Home Office Leaks Keep Plumbers in Work During C19

Plumbers have seen a steep uptake in their workload during the Coronavirus crisis as more and more government departments spring leaks.

The latest leak came after a Home Office conference call on Tuesday revealed Deputy Science Advisor Rupert Shute’s candid thoughts on the current state of the crisis.

Details of the call were leaked by an anonymous whistleblower to alternative news media website Byline Times.

In the call, Shute revealed that the Government had all but given up in its fight against the Coronavirus and was now intent on simply finding “a method of managing it within the population.”

A plumber handles another Downing Street leak using three hands somehow

The Byline Times, along with news outlets daring to speak out on the story, including the Daily Shunt, received communications from plumbers warning that sharing the article could contravene the Official Secrets Act and might even lead to ‘prosecution’.

Other plumbers have been actively plugging a number of holes in Westminster firewalls as a variety of insiders report the current government’s unchanging stance on ‘herd immunity’.

In his telephone conversation, Shute said, “we will all be exposed to it at some point”. According to the “current modelling we are working on, 80% will get it – of that, a large portion won’t notice that they have it. Another substantial portion will have very, very mild symptoms. And a small portion will have a very significant reaction”.

An MP enjoys a morning coffee at Number 10

Shute went on to say the economy needed to come first, even at the expense of hundreds of thousands of deaths, suggesting that the government remain fixed on a strategy which is virtually indistinguishable from their original herd immunity plan.

Official sources claim this plan has been abandoned and if Matt Hancock is be believed, was never a plan at all.

According to Byline’s article, Shute’s comments indicate that government strategy remains at odds with World Health Organisation (WHO) guidelines.

On 11 March, WHO Director-General Dr Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus called on governments to continue working to stop the spread of COVID-19:

“Let me be clear: describing this as a pandemic does not mean that countries should give up. The idea that countries should shift from containment to mitigation is wrong and dangerous.”

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Plumbers, in the meantime, continue to focus on mitigation, slapping Plumber’s Mate on every crack and crevice they can find in the halls of power. Plumber Bob Morris, a seasoned troubleshooter who usually spends his days ‘plumbing’ on opposition party social media pages, said,

“Boris is better and this news will be a welcome distraction from the phenomenal amount of shit pouring out of holes all over Whitehall. We’re working on every leak as it crops up, but there are so many now we’ve had to bring in extra hands.”

“Unfortunately I think we’re fighting a losing battle. Too many average Joe civil servants are scared and losing loved ones. It’s impossible to bolt them down.”

Another plumber working day and night to keep the truth from flooding out, said “there are a lot of fingers in this dyke right now and she’s going to burst. When she does I don’t think even bullshit rhetoric, right wing press allies or Johnson’s jokes will save the Tories from the gallows.”

“A lot of people are dead who didn’t need to be dead and a lot more will die before the end. The virus isn’t to blame for that, the government’s ineptitude is.”